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Fear is probably the most common emotion involved in an unplanned pregnancy.  You can be happy and still feel fear.  You might be afraid of your options. Having the baby, getting an abortion, and placing the baby for adoption all bring unique fears into the situation. 

• When you think about having the baby you might be afraid you won't be able to provide for it, that you won't know how to be a good mom, or of the process of childbirth. 
• When you think about an abortion you might be afraid of the procedure itself, how it will impact your future health, or how you will feel afterward. 
• When you think about adoption you might fear how it will feel to give your baby away, or you might fear the adoption process, or whether or not you'll be able to pick the right parents for your child. 

These fears are all common and normal, however, fear can "freeze" us into inaction. 

What specifically are you afraid of?  Make a list in the order of what causes you the least to the most amount of fear.  After each fear write a way that you could get rid of it - even if it seems unrealistic.

When a woman finds out she's pregnant, her mind often jumps to all the time, money, and effort it is going to take to raise a baby.  If you have been worrying about these issues, you might tell yourself that it doesn't matter how you feel - the only thing that matters are the facts of the situation. This can be dangerous because it separates the matters of the heart from the matters of the mind.  The two are normally very closely related, and it takes something shocking (such as an unplanned pregnancy) to disconnect them.

While your concerns and circumstances are very important, it is so very important to have your heart in on this decision and to be aware of your feelings.  If you let your head lead the way and leave your heart to deal with later, you're setting yourself up for some difficult feelings down the road.  If, on the other hand, you allow your feelings to help make this decision, you'll be in a better position to feel good about the choice you've made.

It is very common to be in shock after seeing that second line on the pregnancy test!  Even when a pregnancy is planned, it can still be shocking.  If you are in shock, it's very likely that you will find a challenge in dealing with your emotions regarding this pregnancy.  When a person is in shock they go into "fight or flight" mode, which can mean act now and think later.  Your thought process is consumed with coming up with a solution so that things will go back to the way they were.  Check the boxes if any of the following apply:

Why do I need to discover my feelings?

Am I in shock?

Sometimes it helps to ask yourself what the saddest part about being pregnant is for you - usually that's the part that makes you feel like crying.  

Ask yourself if the things that are making you sad are mostly internal or external  concerns.  

• Internal concerns come from within.  You might say, "I'm not ready to be a mom right now," or, "There are things I want to be able to do that I can't do with a child."  Internal concerns can be controlled.  You can change your outlook and frame of mind if you want to and if you have a supportive environment to do so.  
• External concerns on the other hand are things outside of the realm of your control.  Not having enough money to raise a child, being pressured by your significant other, or having severe morning sickness are things that you can't control, but you can deal with them if you have the information and support to be able to do it.  

Keep reading to find out how to deal with the things that cause you sadness, and remember that there is always hope.

Your Feelings

Page 2:

Your Beliefs...

If you checked 1 or 2 boxes, you are having some difficulty in discovering your emotions, but as you work through the following pages, you should have a fairly easy time dealing with what your heart is telling you.

If you checked 3 or more boxes, you are having a difficult time adjusting to the idea of being pregnant, and you may find it very hard to let your feelings come out.  Even though it might be more difficult for you, it is necessary for you more than anyone else.  Remember that you do have time to deal with this. Do not give in to pressure.  This decision is going to affect you for the rest of your life no matter what it is, so take the time you need to make this choice carefully.

Anger is another very common feeling when you find yourself unexpectedly pregnant  Anger is a natural reaction to anything that tries to bring an unwanted change into a person’s life.  You could be angry at a number of different things: Your birth control failed.  You didn't take any precautions. Your significant other, your family, or your friends are pushing you into a decision that you aren’t sure of. This decision, this pregnancy, and this baby are a big intrusion in your life.  Anger can be harmful if it sidetracks you from what you need to be thinking about.  Do you relate to any of these feelings?

A lot of women feel that pregnancy should always be a happy occasion. Experiencing sadness during a pregnancy (even a planned one!) is very common, and it does not mean you will not be happy when the baby is born. It's okay to feel sadness when you think about being pregnant. This is a time of huge changes, and many pregnant women feel grief for what has been lost. This pregnancy is going to change who you are no matter the decision you make about it, and you might feel sad when you think how unfair it is that you have to face this decision in the first place. You might say, "I wish this never would've happened," or ask yourself, "Why me?" You might cry a lot when you think of what lies ahead. Sadness tends to drop a cloud right down around your head, and that makes it difficult to see things from a positive perspective - let alone make a decision. It makes things even more overwhelming.  Do you feel any of the following?

What - or who - is it that you are the most angry with? 

• If you are angry at yourself, acknowledge that anger, think about the reason for it, and then move on.  You are wasting valuable time beating yourself up.  There is nothing gained by being angry with yourself - it will only make you angrier and leave you feeling hopeless.
• Are you most angry with someone else?  Think about some ways you could discuss this with them. Can you talk rationally to the person? Or perhaps you could write a letter and give it to them?  Or maybe it’s best if you avoid this person for a short time until your decision is made 

If someone else is making you angry, the best response might be to distance yourself from this person for a short time.  No matter what you do, it is important to leave the angry feelings behind as you make this decision.  Anger can sometimes fuel a need for revenge, and decisions should not be made with revenge as a reason.  Make this decision for you - not for or because of anyone else. 

Information is often the key to melting the fearfulness away.  This website is full of information that will help you get control of your fears.  You'll learn about pregnancy and parenting, abortion, and adoption without having to search far and wide.  We will help you in the decision-making process so that you can be sure you're making the right decision.  It might also help to seek out someone to confide in - a family member, friend, counselor, priest or pastor - someone you can trust to be nonjudgmental about your situation.  If you don't feel you can trust anyone, you're invited to email Choice to Live With and a nonjudgmental, caring person will be more than willing to listen to you.              

When you're facing an unplanned pregnancy, shame can be a horrible feeling to deal with.  Shame almost always has to do with how others think about you, so it's important to get to the bottom of this emotion. You might feel shame if you are pregnant and unmarried or if this pregnancy was the result of an affair. You might feel shame when you think about having an abortion.  You might feel shame when you think about raising this child on a low income.  There are many reasons you might feel shame.  Can you relate to any of the following?  

It's hard to allow yourself a choice if you feel beaten up by shame.  Shame makes you feel like you don't deserve to be happy and you don't deserve to have what you want to have.

Shame is very powerful, and if you make a decision because you are feeling embarrassed or guilty, you do not have your own best interests in mind.  You are placing someone else's opinion and value above your own.  Remember that no one else is going to have to live with this decision - only you will have to.  Go into the decision-making process with this in mind.

It's important to take into account each and every feeling you are having. No feeling is too small. It is not necessary to feel only happiness about having this baby. A mix of emotions is a normal thing. The goal with this page was to make you aware of how your different emotions are pulling your decision. Now that you are more aware of some of the feelings you are experiencing, let's move on to some of the things you believe.

Would you like personalized advice based on your answers?  If so, please fill out this page in its entirety if possible.  It's important that we have as much information as possible about your situation so that we can be of help to you.  Thank you!

Can you feel happy when facing an unplanned pregnancy?  Absolutely! You might feel strong and powerful, knowing that there is life growing inside of you.  You might get excited when you think of a big belly, kicks in the night, and baby showers.  Maybe you're already thinking about names or nursery design possibilities.  Maybe you've always wanted to be a mom.  Regardless, it can still be hard when you have worries that seem overwhelming.  Here are some words that describe happiness. Do any of them describe you?

It's okay to feel whatever you are feeling, and if you feel happy about this pregnancy, then congratulations are in order!  Although you may be happy, we understand that there may still be a number of other emotions.  That's OK too.  Keep reading and working through these feelings.

The best thing to do when facing pressure or threat is to remove yourself from the pressure.  Maybe you can avoid the person until you have decided - ignore their phone calls, avoid them in the hallways at work or school, etc.  If you live with this person, you obviously cannot get away from them very easily, but could you stay at someone else's home until the decision is made? Maybe you need a woman's shelter if you are afraid of physical violence. Think about some ways you could remove yourself from the pressure -  even if it just means escaping discussions about the pregnancy by staying busy.  Think of people who will be supportive of you no matter your choice and hang around those people as much as possible. Do not place someone else's opinions and values above your own.  No one else is going to have to live with this decision as much as you will.  Avoiding sources of pressure and surrounding yourself with support will enable you to make a choice that you can live with.

Pressure is without a doubt one of the scariest things you can face.  Pressure from others can make you feel like your feelings, beliefs, and desires don't matter one bit.  You may even fear physical violence or abandonment if you do not do what is demanded of you.  Even so, this is still your choice.  Once you have made your choice, the person(s) who is pressuring you will then have a choice to support you or not. Don’t make your decision be based on his/her pressure. Turn the tables and be the one to call the shots. There is help available for you in the form of maternity housing, financial and material aide, protection, and support.  Are you being pressured by any of the following people?